[i]From VOX Magazine, April 1994:[/i] [h2]A Blue Monday with Wagbeard[/h2] [h3] [/h3] [h3]Field Days’ Jonas Smith talk to Calgary’s newest pop sensations[/h3] The best way to describe Calgary's Wagbeard would be to ask you to imagine four art students in their early to mid-twenties ever so slowly sipping blue frou-frou cocktail drinks with umbrellas sticking out of them through two foot straws. This description, however, might not help those of you who have never seen a Blue Monday, so let's try a different angle. Reflect old question: who the would win a fist fight between Captain Kirk and Captain Picard? Immediately you want to blur out "Kirk! No contest!" but you pause, you have to think about it. How many times have you seen Picard throw a punch in the past few seasons? Two Three? Sure, Kirk is never shy to pull out that (patented) karate chop or flying side-kick in every single episode, but you're still not sure about Picard. You have to remember that hand to hand combat isn't just a display of physical strength, but also a battle of wits, and you know that Picard is no slouch in that department. You can only conclude that Picard could quite viably win the "fight" without even lifting a finger. Wogbeard take the Picard approach to their music. They don't rely on brute force in their recordings or in their live shows, they use their wits. I mean, how often are you blown away by four guys standing almost completely still on stage? Their lyrics are simple yet high-brow, their music intelligent and overall quite appealing. They've recently released a split ten-inch record with the Primrods, and, unlike their friends on the Ripside's sonic blitzkrieg and militant call to arms, Wagbeard slowly and discretely assimilate the listener with their own brand of coercion. The music is sweet and catchy. It makes you lethargically top your feet and sway your head yet there is just enough noise and tension that you will eventually realize that every muscle in your body is flexing to the point of bursting. This sound can be found on both the independently released Six Songs cassette and Wagbeard's contributions to the Bloodbath at the Chinese Disco, but even more so on the new record. "Worth" is a straight ahead number with smooth progressions and carrying melody lines, "Anticipator" has vocals sounding like they're coming from the singer's armpit rather than his larynx, and "Alpho" is in their "punk" vein that you've been reading so much about All of the songs certainly have a strong element of well, pop. I hesitate to say that because some people consider "pop" to be a four-letter word, and it would be if a had another "o" in it or maybe an "e" on the end or something like that, but it doesn't, so it's not and that's final. One is forced to conclude that anyone who thinks of pop as a four letter word can't even count as high as four and therefore they, along with their opinions, should be disregarded. Rather than having to listen to four different budding superstars' simultaneous, self-indulgent banter and risking a four-on- one brawl, I decided to conduct my interviews separately. As a further precaution, to avoid one-on-one scraps, 1 conducted my interviews from afar, via telephone. The first stop on my telephone travels was with Steve, the bass player. Steve does not stop wondering all over his fretboard, but not like any annoying les Claypool bass-tech rubbish. He has four strings and twenty frets and he uses them. I went to high school with school the guy: he used to wear Iron Maiden T- shirts with the three-quarter length sleeves and had long hair with bangs parted down the middle and feathered over his ears. His friends used to beat me up in gym class but Steve also worked at a movie theatre and let me in for free all the time, so I guess he wasn't all bad. Steve was "awake, but still in bed” when I called, and I knew that, with his mind still slow from slumber, this was the perfect time to conduct the interview: "What's the band up to these days?" "Just getting back on track after a little hiatus," answered the groggy one. "We're jamming, writing songs. We're thinking about touring out east this summer." "Are you happy with the new record?" "It turned out better than I even expected. No sound quality was lost due to the vinyl format, and the packaging looks great. It was on CBC Radio's Brave New Waves and I heard that they seemed to like it, and now Cargo Records has picked up for distribution." Well-known locally for having what another band termed "the sweetest asses," Wagbeard seem poised to become the next alterna-hunks, so I asked Steve what he thinks of the recent mainstream interest in alternative music. "It's the same," he said. "The music or the interest?" "The music is the same that it's always been, but the interest has increased because it's the only interesting music on the marker these days. The metal thing is gone, techno got boring. The disco revival seems to be going the way of the dodo, this time for good hopefully. I just see a logical progression. I knew that people had to come around to good, original music eventually." "The people who used to beat me up in high school for listening to this kind of music are now rushing out to buy my favourite bands albums," I said, thinking of Steve's friends. "Do you feel that the same thing is happening with your band?" "Definitely, answered the little son of a bitch. "It's sort of like, ha-ha-ha, I win. You're still stuck following the crowd and I'm still doing what I've always done. [Minus your hair, Steve.] The 'cool' people in high who wouldn't give me the time of day are now coming up to me at our shows and trying to be all buddy buddy." After having that pleasant chat with a slightly groggy Steve, the next one up to the proverbial plate was guitarist/vocalist Pat. About four months ago I saw Pat at a local club and he came running up to me frantically and asked if he looked like a nerd apparently he'd just been struck with the revelation. Pat also used to sport the middle part feathered hair-do a few years back so I told him he never looked better. He seemed quite pleased, the fool. Before the creation of Wagbeard, Pat was a member of the Cal-core quintet Arm 'n Hammer, and a couple of years after that he was an original fourth member of Field Day during the band's formative days. Watching Pat play, you are immediately aware that he listened to way too much of The Police as a teenager. I remember he once told me that one of the first songs he ever learned to play was Van Halen's "Eruption." I asked Pat how things were going in the Wagbeard camp. "Beautifully," he replied. "We've broken up, and we're all going to a clinic in Florida for extensive therapy in their highly recommended rehabilitation program. Our singer is getting a complete blood transfusion. The whole trip is being funded by Walt Healy, and we're planning a reunion show pending our recovery." I change the subject. "Steve tells me that you're writing new songs. Are you exploring any new territory?" “It’s a bit of a different sound than our earlier stuff. I can't wait for the comparisons to start. We've been compared to everything from Fugazi to Ozzy. It still has our distinct vocal style though, it's still recognizably Wagbeard." Thinking back to "Eruption," I asked Pat if he has a philosophy when it comes to playing guitar. After a thoughtful pause he replied, "Learn enough to play at parties." Then Pat snapped. "Andy Warhol gave me this little blow-up Dalmatian doll," he yelled from left field. " was, like, my favourite thing...." "Alright. Thanks Pat." "No, wait. After Andy died, it popped. It was very sad." "Sure Pat. Goodbye." Realizing that I'd just wasted the remainder of my legitimate questions on the resident comedian of the band, I placed a call to the drummer, Chris. Chris was also in Arm 'n Hammer, and is quite obviously the Lothario of the band. He is almost always topless on stage and has the most darling Personality Crisis tattoo on a rarely exposed body part that drives both the ladies in the audience and myself completely mad. I've heard that he likes to sit down and practice to the Buddy Rich/Gene Krupa Original Drum Battle album while wearing wrist weights. Speaking of sitting, his onstage posture looks like he's sitting on a broomstick rather than a drum stool. Maybe that's why he does that funny thing with his lips. Chris' drumming sounds sort of like Dave Grohl before he started playing gutless corporate noise pop. I opened the conversation with a question about the band's name, to which Chris responded, "Oh, no name questions! I'm just admiring my wicked new suit...." I pursue the point. "The story goes that you came up with the name from a book of phrases." "Yeah, yeah. The same book that Mudhoney and Primus got their names out of, we found out after the fact. It's green. Greeeeen. It feels just like polyester... "It's from The Hobbit isn't it ‘…be merry in the hall when beards wag all’?” "Well, if it is, you're one up on me. Anyway, it's not polyester, it's wool. But if feels just like polyester, so it's the best of both worlds. It's flame retardant, too." A new line of questioning: "How would you describe Wagbeard?" "Um, sort to of like Holden Caulfield with a gun. I heard someone say that we are the 54 40 of Calgary. Oh! You should see the car I want to buy! It's a 1966 Oldsmobile." "Okay Chris, thank you for your time...." "But it looks just like the Batmobile...." I had by this point in the interview deduced that there are far too many fine-arts majors in this band for my liking, but there was one more art student to go. The fourth and final member of Wagbeard is in charge of lead vocals and guitar. He's also named Chris, so to avoid confusion and rather than having to spell his name with a "k" and dotting the "i" with a heart, from now on I will refer to him as "Slenderthreat." "Slenderthreat" has a voice that might resemble Keith Morris if he was breathing pure helium and was singing through his nose. He looks so good in a pair of old jeans that he should be in a Levi's commercial, and he used to be a part of the Calgary phenomenon Ded Souls. I don't remember much about Ded Souls except that they had a song called "Hoopsweat" and that they opened for the Dayglo Abortions the night that I got puked on in the pit. Dreading the fact that Slenderthreat might be just as much of a lunatic as the past two characters, I didn't know what to expect. Plus, I was completely out of questions. Fearlessly I forged ahead. "Um, hi," I trembled. "What's up?" "Well, we're playing a Rock For Choice benefit and are playing with Jawbreaker next month," answered Slenderthreat, just like a regular person, "and then with NOFX and Face to Face a month or so after that. I'm just getting ready to go to practice." Relieved, I thanked the heavens that Slenderthreat sounded much more sane than anticipated and was also in a hurry. "I won't keep you long then. What do you have to say to all of the Wagbeard, fans out there?" "I'd like to thank everyone who listens to us," he began, "and I'm the most unwholesome person you'll ever meet, but you'll like it. I like little things done to my ass, and well, big things too. If anyone out there has a good ass story, please share it with me.... When Slenderthreat started talking about the neighbor's dog and using words like "tongue" and "spank" in the same sentence, I turned off the tape recorder as every ounce of innocence in my body was raped beyond all recognition. Thus concluded my interview with Wagbeard. Your grandmother's wooden spoon is a device that will dazzle your tongue with sweets yet will spank the back of your hand at the slightest sign of insubordination - Wagbeard's music is the same. Do yourself a favour and dazzle your tongue and spank yourself with Wagbeard today.
